Cats and Dogs and Birds and Turtles, Oh My!

I was asked recently, by no less than two people, which is why it niggles me so much, I guess, that two vastly different people asked me darn near the same question within the space of a couple hours, why I have these cats--and why we are taking the dog and the bird and the turtle--and whatever else comes our way....so I figured here on my blog would be the best forum in which to answer.

But first of all--does anyone KNOW or RECALL what my life's fondest goal may be?
Something along the lines of say, the Rescue Ranch?
Hmm--let us ponder why I might be willing to take on critter after critter after critter--even as I bitterly complain about them. :-)

I'm Irish--yoo hoo -- I will complain about the sun being too bright--or the rose being too red--or the water being too cold--or there being too much of a breeze--or not enough of one--or something....Catholic--Irish--genetics--get over it. :-)

First of all--three cats in a small apartment is not actually the problem--ok--it is an issue--but still--it could be worse--as cats go these ones are not really all that bad--mostly--although I still say if we find someone decent Tiger will be moving to a new home--the real problem is--two litter boxes, right off the kitchen--and no where else to put them--except E's bedroom--which is impossible--and no way are they going in my bedroom (hers is the bigger bedroom--and now with no toys to clog it up it is the room with the most open space, under bed, in closet, all around...). No matter what I do or how often I clean out the litter boxes--nor how wide open I raise the windows, upstairs and down, it smells like someone has just exited the litter box--and to be fair--with three cats on hand--someone usually is leaving the litter box--and Tiger for some bizarre reason will hop out of a dead slumber, run into the utility room, scrape through both boxes from the outside (as in leaning in to dig without really getting far into either box) and then flop wherever he may land after stirring up as much stink as he can....

I am no longer, officially, a cat person. BUT I can understand what the little beasties are saying--and they do talk. And I am not mean to them--I talk mean to them--but then I talk mean to everyone--all the time--every chance I get--that's just me--and all that rot. Tiger is a terrific one for trilling at my feet to be picked up and carried around, or picked up and put on my lap. I really am Tiger's person--although he claws my dresser just once more and I catch him--he will be turned into Mrs Lovett's meat pies...grr. Pumpkin is --sheesh--there's no describing that lunatic. He's a drooler and a mummy's boy--he curls up against my arm or leg or as close to my neck as I will allow--does the milk kneading thing--drools everywhere (and his breath is so rank....greenies or no) and I let him cause it makes him feel better. And if Mister Pumpkin so much as TOUCHES one more skein of yarn (he has taken to grabbing them, removing the label in a great many shredded bits, and completely unraveling and tangling the entire skein within itself) he won't have to worry--cause I'll bury him in his nice new hand-made cat-woven sweater! Spooky is the decent one--he's not much into climbing thankfully--til he saw T and P do it and then he tried to get to the top of the fridge just like them--and then he knocked something down and it made a big noise and he's never done that again. He doesn't scratch anything he shouldn't--except this nasty carpet and I don't get too upset over that right now since there really is nothing he can do to hurt it--no really--there isn't. His worst habit is he's a frakkin' black cat--who will walk BETWEEN your ankles as you walk in the dark--and he gets kicked--alot--and in his favour he doesn't really get too upset over it. Heck, I even slammed a window shut nearly upon his head--as he blended into things and I didn't see him when I checked the sill for cats--and although he now runs as soon as I come close to a window he does not hold a grudge against me--he's just more careful about sitting there now.

I keep telling myself the same thing about the frakkin' cats that I keep telling myself for me--and for E--we get the house and have more room and we'll all feel so much better. I keep hoping the nervous plastic chewing and going through the trash searching for plastic (Tiger) will end--and that maybe with more room when the cat races (where they roam freely over the WALLS! and furniture and everywhere else) will be more--sedate--or at least will stay off me, the furniture, the walls, and will cause much less damage and so on..so forth....

and then there are the fish--which also seems to be this ingrained genetic thing with me...and the dog--and the bird--and the turtle.

Dogs I don't mind. Even great big sheddy ones with ya know cadaver breath. :-) Dogs are good for protection and entertainment and friendship. Dogs are like children--you have enough dogs and kids around--you never remember anyone's name or know what's going on where or why or--by whom....

And I like the bird. :-) I'd rather have the bird than the striped and the orange cat (I like the black one--he's like me--reserved but friendly at the same time--distrusting and trusting all at once--) and I have actually always wanted birds--but birds usually don't like me--I scream predator--and apparently I have screamed feline predator for a long time--and now I don't. I guess the vulpine has overtaken me--although why that would give a bird peace of mind, I know not. And of course, now, I've done more research and found out how dastardly downright MEAN birds are and can be--and why :-) and I like them even more. :-) If I could get a raven (think four foot wingspan here) --I'd be a force to reckon with--forget big mean growly dog--I'll sic the bird on ya. :-) hehehe
And yes, I do know at least 3 people, online friends, how have ravens as pets. One was inherited--the other two were found--one as an egg and one as a foundling....

As for the turtle--that's all E. I have agreed to ant farms, spiders, lizards, butterflies, lady bugs, praying mantis, mealy bugs, earth worms, rats and mice and rodents of all sorts--although I wish they'd be to feed the snakes we will not get so long as we have birds--although should a snake need a home--once we get the ranch--I'll have a special place built just for them...and probably the rodents as well...I may be Year of the Rat and may be getting a rat tattoo here soon--but that's as close to an actual rat as I like to get--thanks. I don't care much for amphibians in the house--and I hate the smell of frogs--tadpoles I can deal with--things we grow and then set free in the wild (butterflies, lady bugs, mantis) I can really get into and get behind (within reason)--and so long as the turtle needs a home--he has one.

Nuff said.

Here's one. :-) Although I MUST point out my taste in men has at long last evolved before I make this statement :-) -- please allow me this one bit of --bite...
have you seen the men I have dated in the past oh 20-25 years? Most of them started out as mercy missions (including the last oh three shall we say--AR and MO, and throw in the one from OK as well too) -- and mercy missions have been my specialty in all things -- and now I can let go of all of that, in all directions.

At least with animals, they are helpless and have no one to speak up for them--except me. And that is why I have these scrungy cats here--and why one particular Mister Tiger has not been booted to the curb, despite threats to that effect--and why we are planning to open our home wide to animals large and small--and why I can put up with them--and still gripe about them--why I can love them--and absolutely despise them--all in the same breath. Ahh--it's good to be a Pisces--especially a Gemini rising one. :-) lol I can head out in all four directions--all at the same time--and mean every one too. :-)

Scrump-esque Lives

I cannot for the life of me remember what E decided to name this doll--although I doubt she remembers either. Right now, the poor doll is quite naked and awaiting some clothing...and I think by the end of the week I may be persuaded to actually DO something in that regard. :-)

But the doll conforms to all set-forth requirements (except having clothes :-) ) and E is more than pleased with it--and it does help the girl sleep at night--so what else could we wish--for one such as she so taken with 'scary but not too bloody' movies as she is of late?

E's Birthday Shrug

This is the requested shrug for E's 7th birthday.
Pattern will be forth-coming--for free--once I incorporate all the caveats with it. :-) It's a learning process, to create and design from scratch and in the process--but it is a good thing and we all enjoy it. :-)

She loves it--and she received the highest compliment she could receive for wearing her shrug and her black (ok--grey) dress to the zoo for her birthday--her uncle said she looked "very Addams family" and E was pleased for a week, with a big shiny grin on everything.

Amigurumi Beheld

well, literally in one case.....


and I told you that jellyfish was RED :-)

Mother's Day

These are my flowers......

guess how I found out those flowers were dyed--and not grown that colour.....

Amber's Scarf

Ok, so I nearly forgot to take a picture of it before we ran out the door to give it to her....
it's too short for my liking, only about 36-38 inches long. E picked out the yarn--and she picked out the absolute perfect yarn too--got A's favourite colour and everything.
It's the basic (YO, k2tog) one row, K the next row, repeat these 2 rows pattern.
It turned out beautifully.
It's so short because I was on a call with a client and screwed up one row and rather than fight to frog it--I bound off and let it go.

Friendly On Kitty Terms

Easter Egg Dyed ATC Cards

here's a mass pic or two

Time To Play Catch-Up, Right?

First of all...let me catch up with pictures....

the prayer beads, which currently sit on the main family altar...

Questions Answered

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was in a job I absolutely HATED. I hated my self--I hated my life--I didn't trust my husband but loved him too much to consider divorce--I was in constant emotional pain and in a constant state of confusion and disillusionment. The only bright spots in my life were my dogs--and my roses. I wanted to die, but didn't have the strength to try it again after the last time when the ex really could have cared less if I had succeeded or not. I was his toy to parade around to certain people, to show off to certain people, while he treated me worse than dirt most of the time. I knew he lied--and I told myself he wasn't lying--that he meant well. And I was right--he meant well--but for all the wrong reasons. Ten years ago, I was dead and still walking around--and I had no hope at all--except the love of 2 really nutty mutts whom I still love dearly. I actually sat up the other night and realised I would take that ex back (possibly) just to have those dogs back--but I know I wouldn't like what comes with them--so--not an option....

What are 5 things on your "To Do" list?
Right now: dishes, making those darned cookies, amigurumi for each child--at least one each today :-) , catching up on my letter writing (I am about a month behind) and packaging up these things I have that need to be put in the post asap (there's about oh 5-6 things here).

What are 5 snacks you enjoy? (In no specific order)
ask me about food? That's not always a good thing...
popcorn, tootsie rolls, fudgsicles--that's it really--anything else is just there.....

Name some things you would do if you were a millionaire.
buy the Rescue Ranch--raise draught horses, alpaca, vicuna, sheep, goats, stupid chickens, guineas, ducks, have an herbal garden, a flower garden, a rose garden, a berry field, a nut tree grove, fruit tree grove, a vegetable garden, an animal grain/hay garden(s)....buy a spinning wheel--build a nice tall thick fence--install solar powered 'things' everywhere--put up a windmill or 2 or 3 or more--install an electricity wheel thingy--I know there's a proper name for it but it escapes me-- to create more electricity for our homestead--invest--rescue animals and children in need--feed people--clothe people--care for people......buy a kiln--a nice BIG one too--breed superior dogs--and train them :-) and after a time I am sure I'd get into raising/training horses again.....expand to offer kennel services for all kinds of critters......yes--I am sure I could get far--even with only one million dollars--or whatever is left over after the tax man cometh.....in fact--these are all things I plan to do even if I don't have a million dollars--so go figure.....where there's a will there is a way--I swear it. :-) If I had a million on hand, I'd just do things faster.....

Name some places where you've lived.
AL, AR, Cuba, TX, KS, MA, FL, DC, MD.......yada yada

Name some jobs you've had.
CNA, Admin assistant, nanny, teacher, waitress, donut maker, ice cream girl, clerk, sales clerk, cashier, bakery assistant, drill srgt (only it wasn't a real srgt position), elder care assistant, telephone operator (know why those operators are so mean? they all wish they were dead cause the phone company is sucking their souls out--this based solely upon my own experiences with one company in particular--and echoed by every single operator I know of--and some who worked with various companies, local and long distance--so give those operators a break would ya), medical office assistant........and yayda yada yada yada

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

You Are a Colon

You are very orderly and fact driven. You aren't concerned much with theories or dreams... only what's true or untrue. You are brilliant and incredibly learned. Anything you know is well researched. You like to make lists and sort through things step by step. You aren't subject to whim or emotions. Your friends see you as a constant source of knowledge and advice. (But they are a little sick of you being right all of the time!) You excel in: Leadership positions You get along best with: The Semi-Colon

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Goals

Buying a house--top priority--period

Moving all our stuff from the Four Directions into one centralised location

Painting --everything (house-wise)

Buying myself a spinning wheel and learn to use it

after that....I have plans....but for now--this is enough :-)

The Colour Of My Brain

Your Mind is Blue

Of all the mind types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Mind?

What Did I Do Today?

I neglected to finish off my dd's shrug for some reason today. :-)
Hey, it was damp and not really chilly, and pretty much icky all day--so I took a day of rest.

I also took a ball of no label $1 bin yarn (I know I have some of the same yarn with a label somewhere--but I have this bag of 6 balls with no label--the ones with labels were $2 ea--the label-less ones from the same store the next week were $1 ea--so I only have 2-3 balls of the $2 version--somewhere--I do know that the yarn is a cotton tencel mix--and that it makes heavenly washcloths)--and I worked on practising my crochet skills.

Why did I not push myself to learn crochet sooner? I love crochet. It is so--open and free. :-) I cannot wait til I am good enough with the basics so that I can open up into freeform. If I go towards freeform now I will never back-track to learn the basics.

So I crocheted up on rectangular washcloth, with a few modifications form the very basic pattern I had been using (found in a library book that).

Then I went online cause I figured if my single crochet stitch wasn't good enough yet, it wasn't going to get any better working back and forth. So I went here and learned how to do a spiral--and since it wasn't all sc I guess I need to do more work on it--but my dd loved the fact that I crocheted her up a circle washcloth--she snatched it right up and ran off to the bathtub--where she floated said circle of yarn until it sank--which did take awhile actually--but she had a such fun time doing so. :-)



I then found this and tried to work with just sc -- I did not follow the pattern much at all--but I did work in a spiral--and in a much better maintained one than the first. It started to ruffle--since I was using too small a hook and hooking too tightly--but I actually liked it like that so I continued, trying to emphasize the ruffling bit. When I was done, my dd loved the flower washcloth I had made her--which was my actual intent--so I was rather pleased with myself.

And after that I went here to try to knit up the fried egg, but could not find yellow yarn anywhere--so instead I picked up what I could find, which was bright red caron simply soft, and worked this pattern--and of course mine is actually similar in shape--but that's about all--my FO looks as if it has been 'inspired by' the original pattern, rather than having been made form the original pattern--but mine did turn out cute and nice enough--and I am happy enough to keep going.



I learned how to decrease in crochet tonight--so I am proud of myself. I also learned I need to do more ork on learning crochet-ese. My knit-ese is by far superior. I only had to rip the little bugger out about 3 times before it dawned on me what I was doing wrong. But I did get it.

I am ever ever so happy that amigurumi is as forgiving as every book, blog and other source has ever said. :-) Little jelly dude does indeed look like a little jelly dude. I need to become more sure of myself so I can embroider on the face before stuffing and sewing shut. But otherwise--all I need to do is keep practising til I have everything good enough for me. :-) And I will find some yellow yarn--or I will make green eggs :-) or maybe eggs with red centres, since I have plenty of red lying around here. :-)

We are planning to go out Monday for Mother's Day as I am working Sunday--but the restaurant is near 2 bookstores--and if I can't find what I want at those bookstores I have an amazon order ready to go--3-4 amigurumi books. :-) I am actually excited now--I love when I finally 'get' something, even if I still need to keep working at it. :-)

And -- I still have dd's bday blanket to finish knitting--her shrug to finish knitting--I am on the last sleeve for goodness sake. And I need to start cutting out her dresses if I am going to be sewing them before her birthday. :-)

and I need to get off to bed now...have an early day coming...

Clean Up Day

Hahaha--I still have to wash the dishes--even though my gloves ripped open, one of them anyway--non-latex ones are hard to find--and I only washed dishes once last night and you can really see it in my hands.

But I am literally down to the last sleeve for E's Wednesday shrug. First she wants a shrug--then in the midst of it, she grumbles cause she wants a black dress, like Morticia's--doesn't matter that I myself have wanted that self-same dress since i was younger than E. :-) But at least she's closer to really getting it. I am actually VERY happy with the way this is turning out.

I even started my own shawl yesterday--a very basic thing--and I will tell all on patterns/etc later on. This is just sort of a clean-up/update post. :-)

I spent a good deal of time fighting yahoo to clean up all my groups with which I am associated. I have been on special notice with so many groups for so long I am not even sure to what I belong lately. Add into that I am not all together overjoyed or interested in the group digests that I am getting. Of the 40 or so groups I regularly receive digests from (and some are monthly newsletter type things) I normally read about 20 per day--which sounds like a great deal, but it isn't. I skim the post headers and if I am interested I read the email and any related to it--and anything that catches my eye on the way down. I do NOT sit there and read every single word of every single post in every single digest of every single group. I have a low attention span (yeah ADHD) and I have a time limit on how long I spend on checking email unrelated to actual people I know and can touch (family, friends, etc) --and I have a time limit on them as well--but it's a revolving time limit. Five minutes here, 10 minutes there. Depends on what I do with the rest of my time.

So, with about 4-5 yahoo IDs to wander through, I found out I was a member of over 700 (yes, seven HUNDRED) groups--and yes, all of them were topical; all of them are interests in which I am still active--but please--700 groups? Thats' not fair to me or to anyone in those groups. So, I started weeding. I put myself on daily digest on a couple groups, since I have been missing them lately. And then--I began to pare things down. From over 700 all together to roughly 125. Many many of those are monthly, quarterly and otherwise newsletters. For actual groups I think I am down to about 60 or so--which is pretty good for me. There are only a few where I am still on special notice, because I am just not ready to go full-time on them yet. I am not yet in the right space in which to do so. But that is coming. :-)

I sat up this morning and planned out what fabrics I am going to use on the schmoo's birthday dresses. It dawned on me today in an email to N (yes, I email my son every single day, even if all I say is love you) that i have to notify people that we are doing something for E's birthday in a couple weeks--and I have not the first clue as to what we are going to do when or where!! So I have to come up with something for that rather quickly.

My cousin's oldest daughter is graduating from high school--and that is just so cool. :-) I have not the first clue what to get her or what to do for her, but we are going to think of something. We are planning to go to the graduation party too. ALthough I have to #1 make sure E does not talk about her new fascination with Jesus Christ (as I am teaching her the Jewish view of Jesus rather than the 'normal for round here' view) and #2 I have to make sure E does not in any way speak of Buddha, Kuan Yin, The Great Creator or anything else that might get us burned at the stake around here--and you may think I joke--but I do not. I am not sure whether to encourage her to talk about her beliefs and preferences --or try to convince her to wait til she's older to discuss these things with others. Until last week I didn't realise what a foul view of the Dalai Lama and Buddha the girl has--and that does not in any way come from me--and it has everything to do with the way she feels about ex lately.

And we could go there--and into how the Dalai Lama with all his good intentions is seen as a terrorist by some/many--but I shall not step foot there. :-) Simply because I am not well-read enough on this topic. I can see, from where I stand, the pros and cons from each side--but further I will not go. :-)

So, back to yahoo here--as I was waiting for yahoo to try to at least catch up with me, much less keep up with me, I got to spend alot of time swimming through ravelry patterns. And there are alot of skirts and shirts in there for someone like oh small fry here. And although I mean to spend plenty of time altering her jeans into skirts, sewing her new dresses, and knitting her things til my fingers bleed--I am intrigued by many of the patterns I found and saw today. And I have my 'knit kimono' book on hand, received a while back, a week or more at this point, and I am very much into the flow of fabric, patterns, made from the most basic of shapes. As I wander around trying to figure out where my 'wooly thoughts' book wandered off to. (It's on a shelf somewhere, I know.) And I have to knit myself a whole bunch of slippers up as well. Summer is here and my feet are already grousing about it. Not to mention, it is NOT fun having 3 cats who play in the sand. Tiger and Pumpkin actually PLAY in the sand as if they are at the beach (and no, clay will not help us there, thanks) --and Spooky is overly concerned with covering up his stuff (can't blame the guy --3 times yesterday I caught him in the litter box when I went to throw something into the trash--he uses the lidless box--Tiger beside him in the lidded one--and Pumpkin sitting right there in front of Spooky watching and waiting, as if he were in a museum examining a piece of art--all three times they did this--and Spooky with his back steadfastly turned aside from them both) and has a tendency to drag not only the rug under his box into the litter--but the rug from under the other box in as well. And the other two will pull the rugs out, and throw sand around, and track it all over the house--and then E decided the other day while I am in the shower she's going to 'help' and she cleans out both litter boxes. After ensconcing her in the shower with lots of soap, I spent about 5 minutes sweeping up sand from the kitchen and utility room, and then going over it again to make sure I got it all, then spraying it all with disinfectant as well, just to be sure. She means well, but I think more litter landed outside the boxes and the bag she was using than in her bag where it belonged--but I did give her lots of credit for trying. She would take complete care of the cats if I let her. BUT --BUT-- it is not worth the mess for me. Water slopped everywhere (as if Pumpkin wading in the water dish isn't bad enough) --cat food all over the closet where we keep the cat food--cat food from said closet all over the floor to where we keep the cat food dishes....and then usually cat food all over the place by the dishes as well. Because she puts cat food beside the dishes as well. So--she's not allowed to do that. She can give them treats--and rub the scratching post with catnip--but not much else at this point. And here's the girl who has wanted to clean out the litter box since she was a year old. :-)

BTW--E is very much into horror movies at the moment. We have moved from the whole zombie fascination (since the only zombies we have are of the Resident Evil sort) to werewolves (lycans from underworld mostly--I'm not that much on werewolves or loup-garou really) and into --- vampires -- with the occasional viewing of Jaws thrown in for entertainment value since she loves to watch that fake shark go and tell me how they make the fake things look so real...she watched the queen of the damned last night--and completely fell for Lestat as Lestat always loves so dearly --and this more I asked her what she wanted for breakfast--and I was actually jarred by the request for 'blood' given in that British accent she's picked up from Sweeney Todd. Can't wait for her to see Interview--but I don't have my vhs tape of it with me at the moment. We are all doomed once she sees clever little Claudia utter the word more, so taken is E with the way Lestat said it in this movie. (please do NOT get me started on this movie--all of what Anne Rice said at the time aside, unfortunate death of Aaliyah (over which E was actually not that upset, for all her usual having to make sure that everyone in every film lives thing--I have not yet told her of the death of Roy Scheider yet--him I think she will be more upset over for some reason--the Queen deserved to die--the sheriff fighting the shark did not--E has a definite sense of justice--and I really do have to work on fine-tuning that too. She's very much an under-dog person.) I was actually really impressed that E said she likes the music for Queen of the Damned better than she likes the movie--and she asked that we get the soundtrack--which is completely doable. I think she is having issues now that we have Sweeney Todd and it's a musical--now she is by far more aware of music in films, etc. Which is a really good thing.
Makes me wonder about genetics and more too.

more later--E is a mess!

and I have knitting to finish!

A Modern Fairy Tale--As In Surely This Is Fiction

This is called ‘It’s All In Your Head”.

Once upon a time there was the man and a woman; they were in their 30s. They didn’t really like each other, but they both had their problems and were settling just to have someone to cling to when they needed to cling. Both had just broken up with significant others. Neither felt very significant. The woman became pregnant, even after warning the man about how it was supposed to happen. He purposely stopped taking his precautions. He would later claim this was her fault.

There came that point where the man and the woman met with a mid-wife. By this point, the man and woman had moved into together—and then separated, due to the fact that the woman refused to be treated in such a poor and cavalier manner. They did not live together for more than a couple weeks. The woman had not moved into the man’s flat completely before she was moving out due to his treatment of her. Treatment he claimed, more than once, that his father had taught him by the father’s treatment of all things female, including the man’s own mother. Treatment the man claimed to know was disrespectful and wrong and indifferent and many other things, but treatment which he had no way of changing, since that is what he had learned. He could think of no way to unlearn this behaviour. So he never even tried to modify his behaviour or show compassion or treat the woman as an actual human being. And for some reason, the woman, though she did try on many occasions, never quite trusted him or forgave him his arrogance or disdain of all things female—or for his unwillingness to even try to change his ways.

At the meeting with the mid-wife, the man proceeded to unravel his tale of woe upon the mid-wife. The man whined and whimpered about how he had been bourn pre-mature, how his mother and he had never properly bonded, how he was never breast-fed and how that factor alone had just ruined his life, causing a multitude of allergies and emotional problems that he had yet to be able to surmount in his lifetime. He told the mid-wife of his poor health, his heart murmur as a child, his extreme allergies. The woman sat in silence, watching the man pander to this mid-wife who could have cared less and who obviously wanted to move on to talking about the woman and the pregnancy. But the man held forth, held court, drawing all attention to himself, needing and begging for that attention, that acknowledgement, that acceptance. The woman sat in amazement, watching the man pander and dance, begging so badly for acceptance, for any sort of esteem, from the mid-wife. The man went on at length about how his mother was the cause of all his woes in life. How it was his mother’s fault for so many issues in his life. This was a tirade the woman had heard frequently from the man, or heard him expound upon, many times in the previous weeks, in fact since they’d met. Her mind was dulled by it. To watch the man simper then as he devoted himself to winning over the mid-wife brought the woman pity and complete disregard for the man. It was made worse by the fact that the woman had spent so much time watching him do this in many situations, to many other people. She felt badly for the man, who had to try so very hard to win friends, but who ended up pushing good people away, pushing away people who had he not forced himself upon them so hard might have liked him just for who he was and be the friends and lovers he so desired for himself.

Flash forward several years, in the midst of some unrelated issue, the heart murmur was brought up, in relation to the child’s medical history. Now, the man began to say there was no way he had ever said he had had a heart murmur. And yet, the woman had always been extremely scrupulous where medical issues that could affect the future of her child were concerned. She had taken copious notes after all the meetings with the mid-wife, including writing out the entire diatribe about how the man had gone on and on and on about his allergies and how his mother was the root of all his ills, over and over again, his mother was so at fault, they hadn’t bonded, it had ruined his life—and the woman’s very low opinion of the man and his tactics to illicit sympathy and attention from the mid-wife. More that three-quarters of the appointment with the mid-wife that time had somehow ended up being about him, rather than about the unbourn child and the pregnancy at hand. And yet, years later, the man claimed the woman was clearly insane, never had he ever said he had a heart murmur. He brought up all sorts of facts to insulate himself from his lie, issues with his mother, his father, even perhaps his sister. But never with himself. He claimed the woman was making it up, that she had to have misheard.
And at first the woman believed she was wrong, as she had been told her entire life by one man or another how wrong she was, how simply wrong wrong wrong she was. And then she remembered—she had those notes on hand, as they were medically related to her child. She pulled the notes. There is was in black and white—the heart murmur, the allergies, the acute depression his entire life, his terror and hatred of his father, his desperation for attention from his mother and the lack thereof, and his complete disregard for woman—all her notes she had taken from her pregnancy and her dealings with the man during that time. All those things he had told the mid-wife, and anyone else with whom they had had dealings with where she watched him consistently woo people to like him and give him attention. The woman remembered while she was working for ***, away from the controlling and manipulative men in her life before her pregnancy, before meeting the man, she had been very well-known for the speed and accuracy of her notes; that she was used by several managers to go to meetings/lectures in their stead to take notes and to make observations – and that she had been given recommendations and notices of merit based upon her excellent memory and excellent note-taking skills many many times. She remembered that when she stepped outside the pattern of her needing to have unloving, manipulative, needy greedy men to control her that she was a good and worthwhile and intelligent human being, despite how the men constantly told her otherwise. She knew what she heard tha man say to the mid-wife. She had written it down, along with her ruminations of the man’s childish and insecure behaviour at the same time.
When faced with these notes, the man immediately dropped the entire issue with the woman and never spoke of it again to her. Although he did run around telling people how crazy she was to make up these lies about him and how glad he was they were no longer a couple.
The woman on the other hand stood looking back at the man, in the same manner she had always tried to force herself from doing—she stared at him with the utmost pity and not a little sympathy in her heart. To have a man lie about something like that to someone like the mid-wife who didn’t matter to anyone at all other than as a mid-wife showed the true desperation in his heart. Showed how he truly longed to be loved and needed and appreciated—and it showed equally as well why this would never happen. He was still after all this time unable to love himself or appreciate himself and would remain where he was, blaming his mother, blaming the woman, blaming everyone else in the world, when all he really wanted and needed was to be loved—never realizing it was him, his actions, his words, his absolute neediness and arrogance about that that made him so completely unlovable—to anyone but those as damaged and as unhappy as he himself. Like the woman used to be, as she had been when she met him—until she started watching his patterns and seeing herself so clearly in him—so that she was finally able to make the necessary changes and to move forward and to move on—and to find true happiness within herself before she ever started looking outside—which made the happiness she found with others so much more expansive and beautiful and meaningful.
The woman was more grateful to the man than he deserved or would allow. Even though he said he hated the woman and hated the truth of things, it was undeniable. The woman felt terribly for the man as he was mired in his own debris and refusing to move at all, but that was his choice and his decision –and there is no one who can help him except himself.
And that is all that shall be written here about these two.

written by TK Kietero
copyright TK Kietero 2008
all rights reserved period